JBot Mania

Today is Local JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day. It would be National if I were to be traveling today out-of-state.

What kind of holiday is JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day, you ask? Well, it’s a day where you get to stay as far away from JBot as possible to avoid getting hit by the shrapnel of her self-destruct sequence.

Think of it as a Festivus consisting entirely of an airing of grievances.

JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day is a holiday that comes 12 times a year, approximately 4 weeks apart. It’s really more of a floating holiday, though. And although you may think this holiday comes every day, you’ll notice a dramatic peak in JBot’s Intolerance Module™ on this specific day.

Suggestions for a successful JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day celebration:

1. Don’t ask JBot why you can’t directly edit the text in a JPEG.
2. Don’t setup users on a web site and forget vital details that break things.
3. Don’t open Excel documents in Word and wonder why Word crashes.
4. Don’t delete important folders when there is a nice, safe archive folder where things can be put.
5. Don’t be old and senile.
6. Don’t say you open at 8:30am and then dawdle behind your little metal screen until 8:35am because you are the almighty Post Office. Remember, you are already on the verge of extinction but for your package pickup services.
7. Don’t chew in a way that JBot would find annoying.
8. Don’t speak in a way that JBot would find annoying.
9. Don’t BREATHE in a way that JBot would find annoying.
10. Don’t bail on a get together without explanation.

Other than that, giving JBot ALOT of space and quiet is recommended, unless you like taking your life into your own hands.

And yes, the day has been marked on the calendar, as I suspect a trend. Soon, I will develop a pool online to guess when the next JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day is going to be. It’s a surprise, much like Smith’s Mountain Day. However, Mountain Day comes with the clanging of bells while JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day comes with the clanging of skulls. A minor difference really.

What I love, is offering a product with FREE training and people who, for some reason, absolutely refuse to take it. THEN they want to be able to call all hours of the day and night to ask questions. Yes… that makes perfect sense. Personally, I’d see a doctor about the possibility of a respiratory infection from having your head so firmly implanted up your ass.

An imaginary conversation with a co-worker.

Contributors: JBot and Brenda

Doofus Intern: “Oh no, did I forget to order your sandwiches? I guess I shouldn’t order them anymore.”

JBot or Brenda: “No, you see how this works is that you will now order them EVERY day and if you screw it up again, we will shove something up your ass. Every time you screw it up after that, we will shove something larger and more abrasive up there and you will have no one to blame but yourself.”

People who call in when they have the day off

I don’t know, is it that hard to grasp that you simply are NOT that important and people CAN go on working without you?

Also on the list is the reverse– Bosses and coworkers who call you when you have the day off

Is it really that hard to grasp that work is not the center of the universe and calling about oh say, where some office item is, probably isn’t necessary.

So, I redesigned my company’s web site. I won’t even give you the URL because it has since been “tinkered” with by our president who just can’t help himself. So, what has since transpired is that a perfectly good web site has been turned to shit. At first, I was a bit offended, then infuriated, then disheartened, and now, well, something new…

Here is an excerpt of an email sent to Sora:

“So…. this is what I love about today. [President] just asked me for some basic photoshop lessons. He’s just going to “swizzle” something up for the logo because he can. Of course, swizzle. Yes, he is a graphic designer. Of course. He owns photoshop. At this point, I am very nearly encouraging him with some form of morbid glee. Go ahead, tinker. I want to see exactly how much shit you can pile onto my design and still not hear words of protest. I want to see how everybody here will still try to subtly steer you in some other direction, but no, you’ll keep forging ahead to 1997. I laugh at the people trying to stop it too–the futility they cannot admit. It’s an almost psychotic glee. It’s very freeing. It’s like a few years ago when we had all those hurricanes in a row hitting Florida. A small part of me wanted one more, just to see if it could happen, just because they said it couldn’t. Bam, here it comes…”

Problem: Trying to fit two more people into a very crowded office environment. Constraints are workspace for person and workspace for a computer monitor.

My Solution: As far as the monitor goes, hire a monkey who can draw REALLY fast. There is a lot of flexibility in placement of monkeys as opposed to very boxy monitors. As to workspace for a person, simply hire very skinny people. Not only will they fit physically, BUT they are also weaker and will be more easily controlled.