JBot Mania

Subject: Order for Pick-up

• Mozzarella and tomato salad platter - Healthy Choice B
• Chicken Parm sandwich - Extra cheese & sauce
• Honey Turkey with Lettuce, Tomato, Mayo on a hard roll
• Small order of potato salad - if you have it (But if you don’t it’s okay, we don’t like him very much)
• French fries
• Onion Rings
• Bacon cheeseburger medium-well HOLD THE CHEESE (Yes, someone seriously ordered that. We’re considering weeding him out from the rest of society.)
• Spinach Salad with Grilled Chicken, Tomato, Bacon, Feta Cheese, Red Onion, and Egg - Healthy Choice C
• Hamburger cooked Medium-Well with LETTUCE ONLY
• Turkey on whole wheat with mustard, tomato, NO LETTUCE
• Triple Decker sandwich

Patrick:
Yo…Peter has horrible dander in his eyebrows…it makes me wanna vomit

JBot:
Oh my god, that is repulsive

Patrick:
He really has to not make an effort for that to happen…Dude just like, wash your face or something

JBot:
Stop going down on snowmen

Patrick:
HAHAHAHAHA….that’s hot
….or cold I guess

JBot:
Oh it’s both baby

Patrick:
I can only imagine how wet the snowman gets

Brenda:
How is [the company I work for]?

JBot:
Pretty boring… the same shit. Big possibilities here and there but nothing solid.

Brenda:
Hahaha they will never pan out
possibilities= almost
And everyone knows that almost only counts in horse shoes and hand grenades
Possibilities mean nothing without fruition… the world is full of unfulfilled possibilities

JBot:
Like men

We just had to wait two hours for some [guy] to come and unclog our toilet because people here are morons. Thus began the discussions of the South Park episode with the “dook” in the urinal. (”I’ve got a raging clue right now”)We’ve been giggling behind our computers for twenty minutes now.

“This is Mr. Venezuela, school janitor, M’Kay. He’s the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dook in the wrong toilet. Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best, M’kay. He’s got three kids at home, he’s got a car that barely works, he’s gotta clean up puke with saw dust, M’Kay. Then he walks into the boys’ room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face. So when you crapped in that urinal, M’Kay, you might has well have just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela’s head”

Pat thinks we need a broadcast email about moderating one’s use of toilet paper. I have been asked to write it and to include the term “Mud Monkey”.

Brenda:
Nothing says “good job” like a nice open-palm smack on the rear

Jamie:
Hahahahaha, I love that

I should try that with my new boss, some male executive. Slap his ass and say “good job sir”.

Despite the fact that I think that I’m pretty fucking phenomenal, not everyone does:

[ALL CAPS NAME],

Thank you for your interest in employment with [some company]. We have reviewed your resume and have carefully considered your qualifications. While your skills are certainly impressive, we have decided to pursue other candidates for the position.

We will maintain your records for a period of time. Should a position open that matches your qualifications we will contact you.

Again, thank you for your interest in [some company].

Sincerely,

[the hamster inside the computer]

Any time the word “while” is used, you might as well just stop reading there.

I like the automated all caps name. “Hello person who we feel is not worth anyone’s time…”

But, on the bright side, in this day and age, getting a response at all is almost an honor. Like it was an honor just to be nominated - no it wasn’t.

When you let JBot make companywide announcements, this is what you get.

Introducing the Super Admins™

In the past, there have been users who have wanted more from [our site]. They didn’t want to be just Group Admins, they wanted to be Masters of their Universe. They wanted to be able to monitor any teacher or any student within their vast domain. We had been accommodating these Super Users™ by adding them to groups upon groups to satisfy their insatiable need to be all knowing.

Well, this is kind of a pain in the… as you can imagine. So a new feature has been added to [our site] and [our other site] to allow these Super Users™ the omnipresence they so desire, while relinquishing the burden upon us lowly employees.

We have now created the ability for these users to not just be Super Users™ but Super Admins™.

Besides the obvious benefits of self satisfaction and a custom cape, this functionality allows for these Super Admins™ to be just that, super, uber, all knowing and all seeing admins.

Basically, they can do everything a regular admin can do, only to A LOT more groups and WITHOUT having to be a member of those groups.

They DO NOT get any special powers (I neglected to mention that to them and, instead, distracted them with spandex outfits). They are JUST Group Admins with access to more groups.

They can view student work and even send messages to EVERYONE within their vast domain. They cannot delete anything a normal admin could not.

Super Admins™ have to be a part of a Site License, however. Otherwise, their super powers will go unused…

-JBot

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Continued…

JBot:
So, I think I overheard something yesterday about something scummy that [EX-EMPLOYEE] tried to do.

Brenda:
HAHAHA what?

JBot:
I think [THEY] tried to get a credit card and put [THE COMPANY I WORK FOR] as the secondary responsible party… meaning that if [THEY DO NOT] pay the bill, [THE COMPANY I WORK FOR] does

Brenda:
OMG hahaha
so funny

JBot:
Apparently it is DISTURBINGLY easy to do

Brenda:
hahahaha hilarious

JBot:
I should make them cosigner on my mortgage

Brenda:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

JBot:
Sign it with an X

Brenda:
HA!

JBot:
“So who is this [THE BIG BOSS]?”
“Oh, he’s a close personal friend”

Brenda:
hahaha

JBot:
I’d say “We’re like this”, but do nothing with my fingers

Brenda:
Hahahahaha

Today is Local JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day. It would be National if I were to be traveling today out-of-state.

What kind of holiday is JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day, you ask? Well, it’s a day where you get to stay as far away from JBot as possible to avoid getting hit by the shrapnel of her self-destruct sequence.

Think of it as a Festivus consisting entirely of an airing of grievances.

JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day is a holiday that comes 12 times a year, approximately 4 weeks apart. It’s really more of a floating holiday, though. And although you may think this holiday comes every day, you’ll notice a dramatic peak in JBot’s Intolerance Module™ on this specific day.

Suggestions for a successful JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day celebration:

1. Don’t ask JBot why you can’t directly edit the text in a JPEG.
2. Don’t setup users on a web site and forget vital details that break things.
3. Don’t open Excel documents in Word and wonder why Word crashes.
4. Don’t delete important folders when there is a nice, safe archive folder where things can be put.
5. Don’t be old and senile.
6. Don’t say you open at 8:30am and then dawdle behind your little metal screen until 8:35am because you are the almighty Post Office. Remember, you are already on the verge of extinction but for your package pickup services.
7. Don’t chew in a way that JBot would find annoying.
8. Don’t speak in a way that JBot would find annoying.
9. Don’t BREATHE in a way that JBot would find annoying.
10. Don’t bail on a get together without explanation.

Other than that, giving JBot ALOT of space and quiet is recommended, unless you like taking your life into your own hands.

And yes, the day has been marked on the calendar, as I suspect a trend. Soon, I will develop a pool online to guess when the next JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day is going to be. It’s a surprise, much like Smith’s Mountain Day. However, Mountain Day comes with the clanging of bells while JBot’s Gonna Kill-A-Man Day comes with the clanging of skulls. A minor difference really.