JBot Mania

Yes, I’m blockquoting an inner monologue.

It’s not that I want to kill MYself.

Just my WORK self.

I mean, I’m quite enamored with who I am, but frankly, this whole Big Boy Job™ is getting to be a little too much for a Gen Y. Aren’t I supposed to get cookies just for showing up? Talk a big game but not be the one ‘doing’ this big game. I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog gone it… something… something?

Weighing all of the options like “being an adult” or “sucking it up”, it really seems like killing my work self would be where I’m at. I’d like to just go out in a blaze of glory— no harm, no foul. Just pfft… dead and maybe start over somewhere, like Maui.

A memorial would be nice… but I’m not picky.

After settling into my unemployment only vaguely, I decided to turn in the ol’ change bucket and see what my years of throwing coinage into it had gotten me. Turns out, it was quite a bit. Read the rest of this entry »

If you haven’t heard, and most of you have, I’m currently unemployed. Under the guise of a mercy killing I was “let go” from my job. I’m thrilled to be free of that completely dysfunctional environment, but no one likes to be let go. “No no, it’s not you, it’s us.”

As I am looking through the job listings, a few things have become clear. Read the rest of this entry »

That’s life, that’s what all the people say.
You’re riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I’m gonna change that tune,
When I’m back on top, back on top in June.

I said that’s life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin’ on a dream
But I don’t let it, let it get me down,
‘Cause this fine ol’ world it keeps spinning around

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I’ve been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.

That’s life
I tell ya, I can’t deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain’t gonna buy it.
And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try,
I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I’ve been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself laying flat on my face,
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

-Frank Sinatra “That’s Life”

A bit serendipitously, I just found this article called  Jeff Bigler’s “tact filter” theory on 43Folder.com. Being a bit of a nerd I found it entertaining. I also realized that I am much, MUCH less than 100% nerd since I NEVER give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

On the other hand, my tact filter, the one that MIGHT be similar to the one shown under “normal”, has a significant manual override that I use almost constantly. In fact, the switch may even be broken.

Holy God, this is ACTUALLY where I work and these are ACTUALLY the kind of people working here.

[Bambi - because she has the IQ of a hamster] is making phone calls to people in Alabama so she’s ending each call with “God Bless” because she thinks that will help her “get through”. You know, because everyone in Alabama is a Bible thumper.She apparently thinks she’s “clever” as opposed to painfully ignorant. She’s now also trying a southern accent. She’s a Jack-of-All-Trades it seems. What do we call those people? Jackasses?

You know, I have NO idea why southerners think easterners are so snooty and condescending.

Now that I have been relegated to editorial duties and away from programming, I have some time on my hands and mental energy to spare. And thus, I sent the following email to the editorial team:

NOTE: Both Pat and Doug work here.

Subject: Problem with question
Message:

Doug,

I found the following:

Pat had 30 jelly beans. He gave an equal number of jelly beans to 5 of his friends and kept none for himself. The number of jelly beans Pat gave to each of his friends is ____.

A. 25
B. 35
C. 2
D. 5
E. 6

The problem I found is that I don’t think that Pat has five friends so he should still, in fact, have most of his jelly beans.

I just finished my somewhat daily stop at 43folders. As I was scrolling, I saw the word “herring” and I clicked on it. Why? I don’t know. I don’t even like fish. In fact, I they terrify me.

The article it led me to was “The Laptop Herring“. This is where my odyssey began. The odyssey was short and satisfying. The result, a momentary literary love affair. Who am I in love with… some guy. I don’t care much for his name nor do I love him beyond the moment of reading his post on corporate meetings, but I must say, he might just change the world. And he’ll do it using words like “fuck”, “clusterfuck”, and “kill”. Oh Captain, my Captain.

The article is, on the surface, about bringing your laptops to meetings. In detail, it is about justifying the very existence of the meetings themselves. I say, they should all be questioned, and so does he. I’ll leave you with a few choice quotes and suggest strongly that you cloister your children away, grab a BIG cup of joe, and take a read.

The problem is that everyone attending this laptop-laden clusterfuck is subconsciously hearing “Hey, in this meeting, it’s A-OK to waste people’s time.”

My question is: “When is it ever ok to waste people’s time?”

The people sitting at their laptops have no incentive to change a thing because they’re lost in whatever has captured their interest on their laptops. This is a lazy meeting full of people who are ignoring the most important question: “How do we figure out how to never have this meeting again?”

A meeting must fight to exist. It must defend its existence to its attendees who should constantly be asking “Why are we here?”

So… I sent an email at the end of the day yesterday reminding people that I would be out and enjoying a four-day weekend. It said:

Subject: Just a Reminder

Message: …since I know that nary a day goes by where I am not needed for some critical cutting and pasting or a background color emergency, I want you all to know that tomorrow, sadly, I will not be here. I will be basking in the glory of, well, not working and being at home painting my new bedroom. I will be surrounded by cats and kittens and chew toys and cake mix. It will be glorious.

This morning I get some work email, which is unusual, so I check it. I got a response from [HR person] that says:

Thank you for the note. I’ll begin the paperwork.

So I’m thinking “Hmm… paperwork for vacation? Did [they] respond to the wrong email?”

Then [they] send a recall request - which I love, by the way, because all it does is make you read the message immediately.

Then I get a phone call on my home phone, which I am too lazy to answer. So I listen to the message which is [them] apologizing. [They] thought I was quitting in some kind of flip way and thus [their] flip response. [They're] obviously pretty upset about it but I’m too lazy to get up and get the phone so I wrote [them] back:

Wow, that would be the single most ridiculous resignation letter ever. I’ll have to file that away to use one day, when I not only want to burn a bridge but completely annihilate it. No harm, no foul. I was thinking you had me confused with someone else in all of your HR flurry.

At least they’re prepared for when I do it for real. I may throw a ‘nary’ in there, just for kicks.

JBot: I hate people
JBot: That’s why my next job is customer service… so I can share my hatred with the world
Friend: I’d call you for support
JBot: After a few seconds of listening, I’d burst in with “What am I? Your mother?”
Friend: Excellent
JBot: I’ll get a t-shirt that says that and a sign that blinks “Now serving… my own personal interests”