JBot Mania

Suggested by Sora:

Drama, Passion, Attitude, and Hairballs
JBOT’s Wonderful World of Muff. All summer on the Discovery Channel.

The scene–three medium sized kittens running free in a field. The music– “Born Free”. The sun–I would say, mid afternoon. As you close in on one of the kittens, a muted calico, you see as she runs, one paw in the air, with the middle finger extended.

Such is the state of Muff Watch 2006.

This evening, I decided to get serious and go buy a rather LARGE fishing net from the WalMart. That trip alone should have proven my dedication to this cat. Upon returning home, I got out of my car with net in hand, or hands is more accurate. I began talking with some neighbors across the way who had wondered what the heck I was trying to catch. We exchanged stories and hypotheses about why my cat left and would continue to taunt me, when one of them pointed to a car a ways behind me in the lot next door. As I proceeded over and crouched under the car they pointed to, Little Miss Muffin Face, had already made a break for the street, crossed it, and proceeded down a driveway. I was alerted to this, and my need for glasses, and proceeded after her.

She was nowhere to be found.

I crossed into the next backyard and in the distance; I saw a little white face in the bushes. I approached and the face disappeared. I got closer, in just enough time to see, not only what appeared to be my cat, but two others as well. “I see”, I thought. “She belongs to a gang now. A gang that is showing her the ropes. The ins and outs of the neighborhood.”

Seeing that it was impossible for someone my size to proceed after them directly, I went to the next yard where I met more neighbors. I had a delightful chat with some older polish men and a younger polish woman with her daughter. We speculated, in English and some Polish, about where this gang of roving felines was going. It soon became clear that I could not ‘get thair from heeyuh’. We were all in agreement, however, that she was a good-looking cat, and I was told, from one of the wistful older gentlemen, that I was a good-looking owner.

I departed the backyard social club and made me way around to the next street. No kitty to be found. I can’t imagine what people thought of me as I carried my big black net.

And thus, I have officially been abandoned for the freedom and adventure of the outdoors. Perhaps she will return. I think I will get another kitty, regardless. If she comes back, well, then I will have two. If not, I am sure she will be having fun with her legion of comrades, “The Clover Street Panthers”.

Well, last night I made up about 60 postcards with Muffin Face’s picture, to give out to the surrounding area in a last ditch effort to find her. Amazingly, as Sora was pulling into my driveway to help me, he saw her. She was preparing to tackle someone’s garbage because that is apparently better than the food that I was giving her. He ran to grab her but sadly she was JUST out of his reach. She is INCREDIBLY fast and tiny. We seem to think that she is staying in a somewhat open garage a few houses down. No one was home for me to ask them if I could go rummaging through their garage. I took a quick look and did not immediately see her. We left them SEVERAL postcards.

So that I can sleep at night when I get a new cat, I am putting the above postcard in mailboxes and hanging it in the local supermarkets.

From the Simpsons’ episode that my life is eerily modeling, it has been suggested that the above will be the fate of my next cat…

So, since my darling has decided to run off, but still turn up from time to time to give me an FU, I thought I would give updates via my blog, especially considering that there is nothing else that I can do. I had intended Muff Watch 2006 to be about her ninja moves, the “tornado”, and the like, but I have modified the banner accordingly for this.

My most recent sighting of Muffin Face was yesterday evening as I looked out of my kitchen window. There she was, clear as day. She looked at me through the window, as far as I can tell, and decided to taunt me for a few moments. I ran for my sandals and exited the front door, so as to surprise her, but by the time I got to the backyard, she was gone. I suspect she was scared off by this rather large and unattractive AND unfriendly woman who has been staying upstairs.

So… she still remains elusive and outside. I suspect she will not come inside anytime soon. Frankly, I didn’t pay gobs of money for a goddamn outdoor cat. I want my money back and a new cat.

But anyway… the wait continues.

Well, it’s been two weeks and two days, and I have already lost my kitty. ‘Lost’ may not be the right word, since I am convinced that she is roaming around here somewhere. I have seen her twice since she darted out of my house. I don’t think she has any desire to return. Each time we have met since she escaped, she has darted off without even a glance backward. Fine, fine. Be that way. I am sitting by the door next to a plate of stinky wet food. I am disgusted with myself. If she wanted back, she’d be back. I’m not a good chaser.

So far, Muffin Face has made herself comfortable and put on maybe 1/4 lb. She is sitting on the couch next to me as we speak. This is new. I think she is starting to pick up on my laziness. This is good.

I will soon gather footage of her newest ninja move–”The Tornado”. More to come…

I am starting to think that Muffin Face is not simply a ninja, but rather, a secret agent. This morning I witnessed her sending an email. Sora can confirm. The contents of the message were some kind of code and consisted only of the following — ‘1

I have yet to be able to decipher the message. She was also very sly in her execution. She pretended to be merely crawling across the keyboard of my Mac when she was, in fact, sending an electronic missive.

We will need to watch her closely–very closely.

**UPDATE**

I believe I have found the recipient of Muffin Face’s cryptic message:

The one known as Muffin Face, comes from a long line of Muffin Faces owned by the plumbing supply baron, Lionel “Happy” Titsky. The origins of the name “Muffin Face” itself are somewhat obscure, but it is a well known fact that Lionel, himself, was known as “Muffin Face” for many years. It has been suggested that the origin of Muffin Face had something to do with a predilection for ladies panties and / or the fact that Lionel may have been a pock marked young fellow, although photographs of the man suggest the former.

Upon turning 40, Titsky came to the realization that he would not marry, and decided to continue his lineage in the only way he knew how–with cats. From the years 1965 - 2005, Titsky owned a total of 11 cats, some of whom met unfortunate ends while wandering his plumbing supply warehouse or ascending the legendary heap of women’s undergarments in the basement of his sizeable Brooklyn brownstone. Each Titsky “Kitsky”, as they were known to his friends, was given the name “Muffin Face” to commemorate Titsky.

In the few years before his death, Lionel Titsky slowly began to lose his mind. Below you will find one of the last known images of Titsky wherein it is apparent that he has just realized there was, in fact, an opponent across the table from him and even worse, that he was playing chess–not completing a crossword.

When it became apparent that the end was near, Titsky gave his last remaining Kitsky to a friend in Connecticut, who, upon his death, was so grief stricken that he had to relinquish the 11th and final Muffin Face, to the Danbury Animal Welfare Society, located conveniently and logically in Bethel, CT.

The rest, as they say, is history. As far as I am concerned, the story has just begun.