JBot Mania

So I have decided to buy a home, and as I weave my way through this process and the emotional rollercoaster that is inherent with such an exciting prospect, I have come to one conclusion. House hunting for me is alot like dating. When I find a house that I like, I start to daydream about it. I dream of what it would be like to live there, what would need to be changed, and how invariably perfect it would be one day. In some respects, very much like dating, although I’m not into dating “fixer uppers”, just buying them.

Anyway, alot of these homes end up being a far cry from their pictures, and their descriptions turn into studies in poetic license. It’s a lot like a guy who says he is “independent”, but means he has moved out of his mother’s house a few weeks ago and he still calls her everyday to ask her what he should have for lunch. Needless to say, the disappointment is palpable.

What I find entertaining about the whole process is that I actually feel a little bit scorned by these properties. I feel as if, when all is said done, we have broken up. I look at listings the next day and I still see that house with the “water views” of an overflowing septic or the “character” of a leaking roof and I get a little angry. I scroll by them quickly, actively ignoring them like a co-worker you have mistakenly kissed at the Christmas party.

Here’s a list of some of my former dream homes and the ill wishes I have for them.

My first real estate lover

It’s cute isn’t it? Well, it would be ALOT cuter without the 20 other steps that you don’t see and the physical impossibilty of putting a driveway in, although the listing suggests just such a possibility. A quick call to zoning assures us otherwise. This one feels a bit like the one you still dream about a few years down the road. So close….

For that disappointment, I wish years on the market.

This is my most recent property blind date

So, above you’ll see a very nice condo. What made this disappointment so stinging was that I really went out on a limb to even consider buying a condo. It’s like dating the short guy. You try it out because well, you never know, but you do know, and you kick yourself after the date.

This could have been IDEAL. No yard work, lovely paths for walking, a pool, all of the kitchen amenities you could want, lots of square footage. What they fail to mention in their initial description is the condo fees. Now, I know that condo fees exist but $375 - $475 a MONTH for lawn care, snow removal, and maintenance? Really? You’re NOT shitting me? Absolutely ridiculous. So, there’s the double sting of my general disappointment and then the self doubt for letting myself even CONSIDER a condo. Uck, what was I thinking?

I wish upon all condos in this community a batch of locusts and termites.

Finally, the purported diamond in the rough.

I’d say this was a diamond in the rough if the rough was my ass and the diamond was about one mile up it. What a dump. It had alot of potential, like that biker with a good heart, but you’d have to put $30,000 into to it to fix even the basics. I did consider it though, with various financing options because it did have alot of square footage, was in a magical area of the town where I currently live, and all in all, it could have been great. The breaking point - MULTIPLE cash offers that day. I was told not to even try if I had a mortgage. Frankly, I’ve been kept out of better places than this, pal. So this house turned out to be pretty arrogant. I am NEVER a fan of arrogance, other than my own.

For this house, I wish LOTS of repairs, a true money pit, just like the movie. I hope they spend twice what they paid for it and don’t recover a dime. Yes, I have a special place on my list of ass kickings for this house.

Anyway, the search continues. I am finding “cute” places that all require something, but one will work out. One is even around the corner from where I live now. I don’t actually live in a bad area, I have realized. Another one is on the “hill top” - a rare, single family area that I never knew existed. Another is from 1890 but it has that “charm” that I hope doesn’t turn into a cracked foundation. And these are just this weeks opportunities.

Serenity now…