I was watching a Lowes commercial the other day, enjoying the voice of a generation–Mr. Gene Hackman–when I was inspired to make a purchase. The seedy underworld of voiceovers hadn’t really crossed my consciousness until I went through the checkout process and saw the following shipping options for my order:

That’s right, it says “Standard, 2 Business Days, Gene Hackman”.

I decided to look into this further and find out if, in fact, my order would be hand delivered by The Hackman himself. Upon calling the very adept, although heavily Indian, Call Center for Lowes (I suspect they share a Call Center with Home Depot as the representative slipped on more than one occasion), I was assured that yes, in fact, my order would be delivered by The Hackman. What a delight! They could not guarantee speedy delivery but they could guarantee a genuine bad ass attitude. I was thrilled.

But then I had to wonder, why would The Hackman agree to such an arrangement that would not only put his career in jeopardy but also his physical safety? Turns out he doesn’t read his contracts very well. Lowes had offered him a lower price for his services in exchange for some travel perks. He neglected to note the phrase where “travel perks” were described to “include and most likely be limited to personal deliveries to any schmucks willing to pay $25 or more for shipping.”

So now I too will be purchasing a SUC and breathlessly awaiting his arrival. I intend to invite the Warrior as well, so that they can exchange war stories about aviator glasses over Mint Juleps. Photo-op!