Alright, so it has been more than six months since my last post. That’s just how I work. ALOT has changed since my last post. For one, I am off that diet. I decided I couldn’t afford it despite the fact that, in the end, it was helping with my “issue”. All the weight, albeit small, has returned - probably with some extra for good measure. I was SUPPOSED (this captializing is a new habit) to have a great metabolism until I turned 27 but alas, even my sleek physique cannot stand up to overendulgences in pie crust and whipped butter - not at the same time.

Thanks to a new eating buddy, I have now discovered several crazy food fettishes that I cannot imagine how I got along without.

  • toast - preferably with a quarter inch of the whipped butter
  • cooked AND uncooked pie crust ( that’s right, NO FILLING, just crust)
  • french fries WELL DONE
  • matzo bawl soup
  • whipped butter
  • cherry pie
  • butter croissants
  • Oreos with MILK - yes, I had never actually tried them with milk before
  • Honeycombs

I suppose at this point, my weight gain really shouldn’t be of any great surprise. Just more of me to love? I’ll be perfectly honest, we’re talking like 10 - 12 pounds here but still, that’s enough for the beginnings of that pudge so affectionately called “love handles”.

Oh the dilemma - the bad-for-me (BFM) but oh-so-good (OSG) food, or that crazy diet. The diet was awfully extreme but I could have stayed on it if my doctor didn’t just say “Looks like it is workin’” and then sent me on my way to figure out ON MY OWN which of the 30 things that I couldn’t eat were actually the culprit. Bastard! As soon as I earn a small fortune and can spend in excess of $250 a month on supplements AND can go two days without an Oreo, then maybe I will go on the diet again. Until then, I seem to be resigned to eating pie crust between meals.

I will admit, though, that I really can’t eat so much of the BFM stuff after the diet without feeling like garbage on the inside. (Maybe it’s the evil in there already) Cheetos - oh how I loved thee. Now I eat five and say “What’s in this again? This ‘cheese’ you speak of - it’s not really cheese is it? It’s not even naturally occuring is it?” Then I eat the OSG greezy foods and I close my ears to hear the whistling of my arteries. I think we all have every right to be concerned when I walk up a flight of stairs with the mannerisms of Homer Simpson. I get out of bed and I am winded. Lil’ ol’ me…

Maybe I should start pacing more at work. You know, the old stroll around the cubicles. I’ve seen it done and if I do it just right, I could look ‘busy’. Who am I kidding, I never look busy. It’s this affliction of not giving a shit. It really impedes the fake intensity.

Anyway, I have determined that if I want to complain about weight fluctuations between 115 and 125, I’m allowed. And no, it doesn’t mean I have a self image problem. If it does, well I am allowed that too. I am allowed quite alot, actually. We all are.

Anyway, I’ll let you know if I discover any other food related fettishes.

“Fettish” such a great word. Other great words include:

  • perpendicular
  • scattalogical
  • rectilinear