JBot Mania

Even the best of us can be tempted by, well, temptation. Temptation has its various forms, be it cigarettes, alcohol, lacey thongs, or in my case, baked beans. This weekend it was baked beans and carrot cake that found their way into my diet. Altogether it encompassed less than 15 bites but it gave me hope to go on - a little reminder of all that is waiting for me. I’m still dreaming of the flavor, but better yet I was able to stop. It may have taken some outside encouragement but I’ll take what I can get. I don’t dream of warm soft cookies every second now, just every third second and that is progress. I still haven’t made a complete list of the items that I will eat as soon as I am free, but hey, I can improvise:

• PIE!!
• warm bread and butter
• BEANS - baked, thick, and gooey
• warm, soft cookies
• beer battered onion rings
• strawberry frosted doughnuts
• and more…

Life seems to be turning itself around like my body has begun too. Both are doing so not in ways I expected, but in ways I probably needed. There’s still more work to do, but like this diet, it’s going to take time, tough choices (like do I have pie or cake when I can have sugar again), and perhaps getting less of things that I enjoy. Who knows, though, I might find better foods with less of the crap that I don’t need or even something completely different. Eh, whatever, more TV…

Last night began another round of hippy food shopping. Thankfully I have found a Trader Joe’s within reasonable distance from my house. Another plus to my trip. I discovered that Trader Joe’s is actually reasonably priced and my designer rice cakes were priced more like designer outlet rice cakes. Sadly they had no rice bread to speak of, although I will speak of it, so I will have to mix my own plaster if I want any sandwiches this week. Currently this puts a damper on my tuna plans for tomorrow.

I was also happy to find yet another suitable marinara sauce on my quest to find the ultimate sauce that fits within my little regimen. Perhaps this one will be less oniony. I will post my results later, along with appropriate photos and let you decide. Chances are, you’ll just buy the same old Classico you bought before.

Along with this gem, I also found a whole new world of what I had formerly considered pretentious hippy food. You know, something that would have been served at Smith College for dinner. Something that would have had everyone who hadn’t showered that day and/or wanted to date my sister, not that I have one, saying in a tired, burned-out-from-the-troubles-of-being-rich voice “Oh, I can’t wait for dinner. I loooooove hummus… I know this place in the city…” yadda, yadda, yadda.

Anyway, up until this moment something as unimpressive as hummus, was foo foo mush. Taboulie…taboulie I envisioned as some kind of dried meat product and Baba Ganoush was some kind of children’s fantasy much like Santa Claus. Luckily, my boyfriend’s family is from one of those countries where recipes contain no less than five items I have never heard of, many of which have been dried or pickled or are on the verge of being at any moment, and usually require at least a fortnight and perhaps some kind of dance to complete. So, he’s a little more adventurous and dare I say, educated, in this regard, and to my surprise, the hummus he grabbed turned out to be a delight. Now, it may be because it has a similar texture and color to cookie dough, or the fact that it contained garlic, or even the fact that it gave my “Nut Thins” crackers a purpose in life, but I admit - I gorged myself on hummus last night.

And you know, it turns out taboulie is made entirely of some of my favorite ingredients and Baba Ganoush looks promising as well - well, maybe sounds promising. None of these things look anything like promising. I even had flashbacks to the mediteranean place we went to in San Francisco and now I understand a little better what everyone else had ordered while I had the Plain Jane Chicken Kabobs. Now I know I missed out, and indeed, there were no snake babies or quail eggs being eaten that night.

So we’ve determined that I like food that contains words ending in ‘ose’, beginning with ‘trans’, and possibly containing many hyphens. It has also become clear that a lack of these makes me a little less tolerant of life’s misfortunes. But, despite a small breakdown in my mother’s driveway over my car that has been less than perfect and involving the words ‘I just want some pie’, I have come to the conclusion that I can do this - probably with a little less whining, although an Ode to Rice cakes really shouldn’t be passed up for being too negative.

Day 4 brought the following cravings - warm sugar cookies, McDonald’s cheeseburgers, and beer battered onion rings from that place across the river. If I were pregnant I am guessing the cravings would be the same only everything would be dipped in perhaps, mayonnaise. Having mentioned these cravings, I could now enter them as cravings for Day 5, as well.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of eating puffed brown rice cereal for breakfast with rice milk and cut up bananas in it. The bananas not only solidify the possibility that I am, in fact, eating something, as the puffed rice leaves that in doubt, but also reminds me of many a morning in Albany with grandma who would sometimes make me a bowl of something much more appetizing like corn flakes (yes, something more appetizing) and slice a banana over it. For lunch there was a cob salad from the diner which, for the most part, fell within the realms of my diet, minus a few slivers of cheese that were clinging to the lettuce. I, of course, made every effort to eliminate it… Dnner was pretty good with a bunch of strawberries, blueberries, salmon, and green beans - although not together or in that order. This was all thanks to my mom who could see that not only was I tired of this diet but that my boyfriend was also most likely starving after being fed some of my crazy food for the past few nights. She fed us both - well.

Day 5 will be a new day with more exciting cravings and perhaps a slightly smaller feeling of hopelessness despite waking up each day and thinking “I could get up early and go to Dunkin Donuts on the way to work” but realizing that until they make rice based donuts with brown rice extract frosting, it’s no more donuts for me. Then again, if they came up with rice based donuts with brown rice extract frosting, it would most likely be a sign of the apocalypse and perhaps my fettish for donuts would then not be quite as important.

So, I have been put on a really restricitive diet. When I say ‘restrictive’ you may think, “Ok, no cheese, no sugar…” - somethng sensible like that. Sadly, though, those are just the beginning. This is not ‘restrictive’ like say, a formal suit jacket. This is ‘restrictive’ like a formal suit jacket - that sets you on fire if you bend your arms. Here is a list of what I can’t have.

• oranges
• corn
• wheat, barley, spelt, kamut, rye; all gluten containing products
• tofu, tempeh, soybeans, soy products
• peanuts
• beef, pork, cold cuts, frankfurters, sausage, canned meats, shellfish
• milk, cheese, cottage cheese, cream, yogurt, butter, ice cream, frozen yogurt, non-dairy creamers, soy milk, eggs
• margarine, butter, shortening, processed and hydrogenated oils, mayonnaise, spreads
• soda, alcoholic beverages, coffee, tea, caffeinated beverages
• chocolate, ketchup, relish, chutney, soy sauce, BBQ sauce
• white or brown refined sugar, honey, maple syrup, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup

If you happen to think of anything with actual flavor that is not on this list, I’d love to hear about it. I’m holding my breath for an apple pie that is somehow sugar free, gluten free, and free of butter but then, what would be the point? You can see how this diet might be a little difficult… especially with my eating habits and love of everything bad for you. It is day three and so far I have adhered to the diet - rice cakes and all. But, I am growing tired of planning every bite of my day. I’m fairly certain that I will, at the least, learn some better eating habits and learn of some new crazy foods that I can eat when I feeling guilty about devouring 41 buffalo wings or raw cookie dough. Ahhllmm….cookie dough.

Anyway, I’m hoping to get some pictures of the various ‘almost’ foods that I will be attempting to eat while on this diet along with some reviews. So far, I have been surprised at how well the things I have been eating have tasted. Albeit, I may have been expecting something much worse, and the term ‘well’ may simply mean ‘not bad’ but its a start.

I also plan to elaborate on what I have eaten each day, and more importantly, what I have CRAVED every day. It should be an interesting trip. I am expecting some depressing Haikus about apple pie by the end of week one.

And yes, on July 23rd, my memory will be a little foggy about the alcoholic beverage thing…